The Writer's Cut by Eric Idle & Eric Idle

Author:Eric Idle & Eric Idle
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781910859247
Publisher: Canelo Digital Publishing Ltd
Published: 2017-11-10T00:00:00+00:00

6

I’m hot.

That’s what I’m told.

And getting hotter by the day.

Heat in Hollywood is the square of the interest in you multiplied by the power of PR.

I now have a very beautiful pale-faced publicist who works the phone night and day. I think she would kill for me. Janey looks like an angel child but talks like the devil’s spawn.

“You’re hotter than a bitch on heat,” she says. “Lots of pussy for Stanley. Your dick’ll be licked from here to breakfast time.”

I can’t believe such things come out of her sweet mouth.

“Nothing the girls love more than fucking for a cause. You are going to be so screwed. I hear Dharma already had a taste.”

Now how did she know that?

“How about you?”

“Say what?”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

She puts her lovely head back and laughs.

“Honey, I’m off your shelf.”

I’m blank.

Am I not good enough for her, is that what she means?

She sees my confusion, which makes her laugh even more.

“Dear child, I’m not on your shopping list. I’m with the other team.”

I still don’t get it. She finally has pity on me and stops laughing.

“Stanley, what planet are you from? I’m gay, you chump.”

I’m shocked to learn she is a lesbo.

“Oh. You look disappointed. Well, that is sweet.”

I feel ten years old.

“Tell you what, hon, if I get a sudden change of hormones I’ll be sure to moan on your horn. But don’t wait up. Meanwhile we got books to sell, so let’s do some phoners.”

I hate phoners.

I’ve been doing publicity for a week and already I hate them.

Phoners are a bore. Phoners, in case you haven’t guessed, are phone interviews. They come in two sizes, the long and dull phone conversation with the print journalist from Milwaukee, who asks you about everything in your entire life for an hour and a half and then reduces this to a single line of newsprint, and the live phone interview with the jocks on the radio. I just did 28 of these. I have another 30 to go. Live phoners work like this: you get up before dawn and slog over to a grungy studio in Hollywood where your PR lady patches you in one at a time to endless radio stations up and down the country. I have been on drive time in New Jersey, breakfast time in Phoenix, coffee time in Atlanta and three hours later I’m still hitting the morning traffic in downtown San Francisco. Ten minutes for each station and it’s all the same.

“This is WXBC Chicago and when we come back we’ll be speaking with controversial writer Stanley Hay, who claims to have slept with everyone in LA, here on Bob and Ray in the morning, don’t miss it – meanwhile, here’s Aerosmith.”

There are always two of them. You can practically hear their beards. They are totally jacked on coffee. After a few of these you pick up on their adrenalin so you are more hyped than they are.

“Stanley you there?”

“Yeah I’m here.”

“Good, you dog. This is Ray. Big fan. We’ll be coming to you live in about two minutes.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.